Trust in the Lord

 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5

Tomorrow will be a week since I left my son. I am again 14 hours away. 

We visited over the Christmas and New Year's holidays. We had wonderful family time...but we also had some angry discussions and very hard moments. 

And now it was time for me to return to the Midwest. He had decided to stay there.

Part of me was irritated. "Just come back to the Midwest with me. I have a 1 bedroom apartment, but you can sleep in the living room. That way I know you will at least be warm and safe," I told him. 

But he insisted on trying to make it on his own. I was at once afraid for his survival, yet also proud of his decision. It was as if his late father was talking. His dad was stubborn, tough, a survivor who after being abused by his grandmother, lived in cars as a teenager until his teachers called Child Protective Services because he smelled and was unkempt. But he was always determined to make it. And now, my 26-year-old adult son is determined to make it on his own. 

It is the unknowns that can potentially drive a person to madness. Praise God forever more that I have my faith. This is HARD stuff, and trusting my Lord is what faith is about. I must trust. It is all that I have. 

The "what ifs" challenge my faith. What if he doesn't find (and keep) a job? He's wonderful when sober, but what if he drinks again? What if he makes decisions that could harm him or end his life? These thoughts can go on and on. 

I catch myself, take deep breaths, and remind myself: 

He is an adult, not a child. 

You can help, and you can offer options, but you cannot make decisions for him. 

Above all, God loves him more than you ever could. 

We got him a few days in a hotel, a bus pass, and a few dollars for food. In the early morning hours, we sat in my car at the bus terminal downtown. He insisted that he could hang out at the library until time to check in. 

I asked if we could pray together and he obliged. I held my son's hand and prayed earnestly, sincerely, and believing with my whole heart that my Heavenly Father was wrapping His arms and His angels around us. 

He hugged me and got out of the car. As I watched him walk away, wearing all black, with a black backpack, I wondered if this would be the last time I saw him. And I began to weep. 

Before I knew it, he was back at my window. I choked back the tears and forced a smile as I rolled down the window. "Oh, hey Ma, just checking--do you know how to get back to the highway?" I simply nodded yes, he nodded OK, and he was gone again. 

I wept bitterly all the way back to my sister's house. Then Mom and I got on the highway, heading back home. 

I have no choice but to trust in my Savior. For anyone reading this, especially Christians, you may think "Well, of course we trust God!" But until you have experienced an adult child who has been homeless, it is a challenge to your faith like no other. 

And I hope you don't ever have to experience it. 

Precious Father, there is none like You in all the earth! Please forgive my unbelief, the doubting, the worrying, the anxiety. How I appreciate You for holding my family close to You. As I write this, I am trusting You to continue to cover both of my sons, and all of the young adult prodigal children out there, with the power of the blood of Jesus, that no weapon formed against them is able to prosper. Please continue to provide for them, to open doors of opportunity for them, and may they hear and obey Your voice, and the voice of a stranger they will not follow. May Your Holy Spirit guide us parents in how to cover them in prayer. Above all, may our children tell others of Your goodness and grace and tender mercies, which are new every morning. In the loving, all powerful name of Jesus I pray, Amen.