Update

 After a horrific incident that I hope was his rock bottom, my son is now in recovery. 

We know that with alcoholism, it's a long road ahead. I am thankful that he has a team of folks helping him to take one day at a time. 

After feeling like my world was spiraling, I found and continue to find solace in my Lord and Savior Jesus. He also led me to Alanon. 

Alanon has taught me healthy detachment. Alanon has taught me about enabling, dependency, and that alcoholism is a family disease because it affects all of us. 

I would encourage anyone who is affected by a friend or family member dealing with alcoholism to RUN and find an Alanon meeting. Many cities offer in person meetings. I live in the Kansas heartland and my little town has one in person meeting per week. So I often enjoy participating in online Alanon meetings, which are round the clock. 

The mother in me wishes that I lived closer to my son.

 I want to see about him. I want to lay eyes on him. I want to make sure he is OK. 

But interacting with other parents and loved ones has taught me that even if I were right there with him, I can't control him nor anyone else. I can only control my actions and reactions. 

I have a lot to learn about the 12 steps, but I am willing. I want to be supportive and I need to learn how to support him in healthy ways.

To find an Alanon meeting, please visit the link below: 

https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings/find-an-al-anon-meeting/

Prayer: Thank You, God, for life, strength and courage. Please bless all of the parents who have a child dealing with addictive behaviors. Show us boundaries, and teach us unconditional love. In the name of Jesus, Amen. 

Trust in the Lord

 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5

Tomorrow will be a week since I left my son. I am again 14 hours away. 

We visited over the Christmas and New Year's holidays. We had wonderful family time...but we also had some angry discussions and very hard moments. 

And now it was time for me to return to the Midwest. He had decided to stay there.

Part of me was irritated. "Just come back to the Midwest with me. I have a 1 bedroom apartment, but you can sleep in the living room. That way I know you will at least be warm and safe," I told him. 

But he insisted on trying to make it on his own. I was at once afraid for his survival, yet also proud of his decision. It was as if his late father was talking. His dad was stubborn, tough, a survivor who after being abused by his grandmother, lived in cars as a teenager until his teachers called Child Protective Services because he smelled and was unkempt. But he was always determined to make it. And now, my 26-year-old adult son is determined to make it on his own. 

It is the unknowns that can potentially drive a person to madness. Praise God forever more that I have my faith. This is HARD stuff, and trusting my Lord is what faith is about. I must trust. It is all that I have. 

The "what ifs" challenge my faith. What if he doesn't find (and keep) a job? He's wonderful when sober, but what if he drinks again? What if he makes decisions that could harm him or end his life? These thoughts can go on and on. 

I catch myself, take deep breaths, and remind myself: 

He is an adult, not a child. 

You can help, and you can offer options, but you cannot make decisions for him. 

Above all, God loves him more than you ever could. 

We got him a few days in a hotel, a bus pass, and a few dollars for food. In the early morning hours, we sat in my car at the bus terminal downtown. He insisted that he could hang out at the library until time to check in. 

I asked if we could pray together and he obliged. I held my son's hand and prayed earnestly, sincerely, and believing with my whole heart that my Heavenly Father was wrapping His arms and His angels around us. 

He hugged me and got out of the car. As I watched him walk away, wearing all black, with a black backpack, I wondered if this would be the last time I saw him. And I began to weep. 

Before I knew it, he was back at my window. I choked back the tears and forced a smile as I rolled down the window. "Oh, hey Ma, just checking--do you know how to get back to the highway?" I simply nodded yes, he nodded OK, and he was gone again. 

I wept bitterly all the way back to my sister's house. Then Mom and I got on the highway, heading back home. 

I have no choice but to trust in my Savior. For anyone reading this, especially Christians, you may think "Well, of course we trust God!" But until you have experienced an adult child who has been homeless, it is a challenge to your faith like no other. 

And I hope you don't ever have to experience it. 

Precious Father, there is none like You in all the earth! Please forgive my unbelief, the doubting, the worrying, the anxiety. How I appreciate You for holding my family close to You. As I write this, I am trusting You to continue to cover both of my sons, and all of the young adult prodigal children out there, with the power of the blood of Jesus, that no weapon formed against them is able to prosper. Please continue to provide for them, to open doors of opportunity for them, and may they hear and obey Your voice, and the voice of a stranger they will not follow. May Your Holy Spirit guide us parents in how to cover them in prayer. Above all, may our children tell others of Your goodness and grace and tender mercies, which are new every morning. In the loving, all powerful name of Jesus I pray, Amen. 

Shelter In the Time of Storm

 Casting all your care upon Him; for He careth for you. I Peter 5:7

This holiday season has had its ups and downs. But I remain grateful for the love of family. 

I need to share this Praise Report: 

As I have shared, my oldest child has been homeless the last couple months, couch surfing, battling alcoholism and resistant to coming to live with me in the Midwest. 

After staying with family a few days over Christmas, yesterday he chose to return to the streets. 

There had been strife between us & I have felt the enemy trying to get me to turn against him and stop praying for him, but I will not.

I felt a huge, painful void as I watched him walk out of the door and slowly down the street, wearing all black, with most of his belongings in his backpack.

Again, as a parent, as a Mom, I never foresaw this. You just don't picture your beloved children out in the elements, hungry, weary, sneaking into buildings or vacant cars or a public restroom for a few moments to shut their eyes. These are experiences he has shared with me.

Adult children are just that: adults. We cannot make them do anything.

I cannot take away the depression, the ADHD, the substance use and addiction.

I cannot fix his problems. I can't shield him from the world. 

But the God I serve is well able to do that and more.

 Before bed last night, the Holy Spirit quietly told me to lay hands on the clothes he left behind.

 I did and I prayed, and I hugged those clothes tight.

 He led me to also pray for other prodigal children and young adults who are homeless.

Keep in mind that I didn't know when I would see him again...

 Then I laid the clothes on the mattress that he had slept on in the basement at my sister's. 

I woke at 4 a.m. and listened to a sermon full of powerful Bible teaching on YouTube, wide awake, taking notes and being encouraged.

Before 6 a.m., while I was still soaking up the Word on TV, my son quietly let himself in the house, and humbly walked down the stairs where I was. He laid on that mattress and went to sleep.

 I am so grateful that the Lord touched him  to return and he is here safe.

I don't know what will happen after today, but I trust and believe that Our Savior Jesus is doing a new thing in our adult children, to know the Lord and to walk in their purpose. 

I praise God for this new day and New Year. 

May we proceed in 2024 using the God-given weapons of our warfare. 

To God be the glory forever. 

Father God, thank You for seeing my tears and hearing my cries. I am just one of many parents concerned about the well being of our adult children. We will continue to lift them up to You in prayer, and also lay them at the feet of Jesus.You did not promise a life without struggle, but I thank You that You do promise to be with us. May You be glorified. In the name of Jesus, Amen.

Updates and New Challenges

I will speak of Your testimonies also before kings, and will not be ashamed. Psalm 119:46

My testimony is that I thank God that my son is still alive. 

When you have experienced having a child who struggles with anger, his mental health, who has been impulsive, made poor choices and had suicidal ideations, it is truly a blessing to be able to say that they are still alive. 

 When I started this blog, I didn't think I would need to continue it for long. In the back of my mind, I thought "we can handle this." I started this blog as an outlet for my feelings. And you may notice that there aren't many entries. I stopped writing because I was ashamed for my child, and I didn't know how to process the reports coming back to me, of one thing after another that he was going through. 

To update you, my oldest is still in Michigan, but he has been homeless for a couple months now. His outbursts and alcoholism has caused him to burn many bridges with family and friends. 

I can hardly write the words "my son is homeless." I can't adequately express how that feels. As a mother, I never thought I would see one of my children homeless. He is 14 hours away. I have offered him to live with me but I think he is determined to try to make it work over there. 

For those of us who have a prodigal child, we must be grateful for each day that they are on this earth. As long as they are living, there is still hope for the Lord to allow them to "come to themselves," as described in the Bible. 

My hope is in Christ.

Prayer: Thank You, Lord, for my adult children. They are a gift from You. I love them, but I cannot conceive of the love that You have for them. I give my concerns to You. I lay my cares at Your feet. Please continue to cover and care for our adult children, and give our family peace, the peace that only You can give. (Philippians 4:7) We ask that You send faithful laborers to help our children with employment, housing, food, mental health services, and anything else they need. We as parents of prodigal children stand in need of Christmas miracles. Anything and everything is possible, for Your Word says, "Is anything too hard for the Lord?" Genesis 18:14. We love You and praise You in advance for what You are doing for our children and for us. In the name of Jesus, Amen. 

Praise Report

 Trust in the Lord with all of your heart, and lean not unto your own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him and He shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:4

After 2 months of not knowing where my oldest son is, this week I learned that he is back in Michigan. 
My heart is relieved. 
I had dreams of him sleeping on the street, and of being told that he was killed. 
This could have sent me spiraling. But I got on my knees and gave my fears to the Lord. 
I still do.
Because that's what parenting is. It is continuing to pray for our adult children. 
I also recently visited with my youngest son. He is 21 and lives about an hour away from me. He is adulting as best he can. It did my heart good to lay eyes on him, to see him smile...and to hear of his concerns. He has dealt with anxiety for awhile now, and our visit affirmed that I am to continue praying for him in that area. 
I don't know where I got the notion that once my children hit adulthood that they would fly, armed with the advice and teachings we gave, ready to take on the world and handle their own problems. 
Yes, to a certain extent. But they still need guidance. And I'm learning that I may not always be the one to give that guidance...but my Heavenly Father can. He wants to help, but we need to be real with Him and not try to handle our issues on our own. Apart from God and in our own strength, we can do nothing. But in Him and through Him, we can do all things! (Philippians 4:13)
My oldest son is still not communicating with me, and that's ok. As of today and in this moment, I have the blessed assurance that he is ok and trying to make it on his own. 
As for me, I have peace...because I continue to lift them up and place them at the feet of my Savior. He loves them more than I ever could. 

Prayer: Heavenly Father, I thank and praise You for blessing me to be a mother. I ask you to open the eyes of parents everywhere who have adult children in need of prayers. May we seek your face and intercede for our adult children as You lead us to. Thank you for hearing and answering prayers. In the name of Jesus, Amen. 

Train Up a Child

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

I guess I'm learning that I have to let go. 

My son is still out there. I can't get to him and I don't know where he is. I hope he is making good choices for himself. 

At 21 and 25, my sons are not little boys. I did what I could to teach them about the Lord. I showed them my faith in hard situations. We had home Bible lessons. We attended church, and I taught Vacation Bible School. 

My prayer has been and continues to be that my sons would know Jesus for themselves. I don't want them to follow Him "because Mama said so," but because they want to. And I have to realize that it is their choice. I did what I could to lead and show my faith, but at the end of the day, it's their lives. 

Like all parents, I have my flaws. I didn't always model good Christian behavior. But that's also part of showing them the walk with the Lord. Perfection isn't expected; faith and obedience are. 

Lord, I praise You for blessing me to be a mother! May my sons reap the faith seeds planted in them during their youth. May they know You, follow You, and be men after Your own heart. 

Where is My Child?

(from my journal dated May 26, 2022) 

My son moved to Colorado yesterday. 

We didn’t part on the best terms. I was against this move. We have no family there. I don't know where he is or who he is with. He was jobless when he left. So many thoughts and "what ifs" are running through my mind. How is he supporting himself?

I’ve been emotional all week. For the first time in my life, I don’t know where my child is. 
To clarify, ok, he’s 25, so he’s not technically a child. But he is MY child and always will be. 
People say let him be a man. I want both of my sons to be self-sufficient, productive members of society. To pay their bills, to take care of their families, to be men after God’s own heart.
 I have prayed and cried, prayed and cried. 

But God. He assures me they were His before they were mine. My faith tells me that everything will work together for the good (Romans 8:28) so I cling to that. I have prayed for my sons to know the Lord experientially, so maybe this is part of that process.
 

Father God, help me with this.